Colton Underwood Thought Ex Cassie Randolph 'Could Make' Him 'Straight': 'I Didn't Want to Let It Go'

Colton Underwood is looking towards the future — and owning up to his past.

"I've gone through so many twists and turns to get to where I am now," the former Bachelor, 29, tells PEOPLE.

"I'm a much healthier and better version of myself. But I'm still learning. And I'm still growing," says Underwood, who came out as gay earlier this year.

In his new Netflix reality series, Coming Out Colton, launching Dec. 3, the former football player is followed by cameras as he opens up about his sexuality to friends and family, and confronts the fallout from his public breakup with Cassie Randolph.

Underwood dated his Bachelor pick Randolph, 26, for over a year before they split in May 2020. That September, she filed a restraining order against him for allegations including stalking and harassment. (The order was dropped two months later).

"I was not in a good place mentally after the breakup," Underwood admits. "I really lost myself. And I was a miserable human being. I can't apologize enough to Cassie and her family."

Underwood says his immense struggle to accept the breakup stemmed from a fear of acknowledging to himself that he was gay.

"It was such a confusing time," he says. "I knew I was struggling with my sexuality, but at the same time, I fell in love with a woman. That led me to spiral after the breakup because I thought I'd found someone who could make me straight. And I didn't want to let it go."

Underwood, who hasn't spoken to Randolph since, continues: "I'd love to clear up anything that I can with her but I also understand if she never wants to talk to me again. I understand. And I'm not running from anything."

And ultimately, "I'm not asking for a fresh start," says the Bachelorette alum, who has been dating political strategist Jordan C. Brown since the summer. "But now that I am my authentic self and now that I can live life on my own terms without a secret, I can promise that I will do my best to become a better person."

Coming Out Colton premieres Dec. 3 on Netflix.